November 30, 2009
I think that every human being carries an imaginary tank on their bank. It is used like a fuel tank – I call it the reservoir of strength. I think it gets filled up when you go on holiday, take time out or do things that make you feel like you. You draw on that reservoir of strength each day – in London, it gets depleted rather quickly.
My tank is on empty and the warning light is flashing. I don’t feel capable of handling even the smallest thing that goes my way anymore. I have no strength to fall back on. I feel like I am living in an emotional concentration camp. I know I have a lot to be grateful for but I am a slave to human nature and I naturally fall to the ‘glass half empty’ mode. Our boiler is bust (for the millionth time) and it is the coldest night this winter. Tonight I will be bathing in a bucket again. I also have a house guest and I am due to wash my hair.
I have no job and no one will hire me. I look at my CV and think, ‘who is this person?’ My husband’s passport is being held hostage by the Home Office and it is unlikely it will be back in time for our December pilgrimage to South Africa to refuel. Yesterday we lost our spare house keys and were locked out our house. As we drove home, I dropped my head and whimpered to my Alastair, ‘I can’t take this anymore.’ I have just gone off my anti-depressants and feel like I am drowning in a porridge-like despair. Everything seems to be a hurdle.
This morning, on a silent and packed train, there was a dodgy looking girl. She looked a bit retarded and weather-worn. She was fat, had straggly, greasy hair and was missing some front teeth. I wanted to tap her on the shoulder and say, ‘You look like I feel.’
Here’s to tomorrow!
November 27, 2009
All that matters boils down to 4 key questions:
- Who do I love?
- Who will I miss?
- What have I done with my life?
- Am I ready for what is next?
November 25, 2009
I recently wanted the movie ‘Julie&Julia’. It has two parallel stories and I particularly identified with the life of Julie Powell. She was about to turn 30 and felt in a rut (like me!) To inject some purpose into her ho-hum life, she started a blog of her year long quest to complete every recipe in Julia Child’s timeless recipe book.
When I watched the movie, I thought ‘Dammit, why didn’t I think of that?’ I want to think of a random idea, write a blog and become rich and famous. I also need a way out of my pitiful, jobless existence.
So this blog is my start. I have no idea where it will take me but I have nothing better to do, to be honest. Maybe it will make me more aware of the world around me as I try to soak up ideas for future posts. That’s good – I need to be more alert and alive. My job hunt has paralysed me with depression and despair and I need a purpose to lift me out of my funk.
I plan to treat this like a diary. I could write a paper diary but I actually type faster than I can write. I could write a diary on a Word document and save it on my computer but that seems so isolating and introverted. I am going to write my random musings into the blogsphere – a random void of nothingness and hope that one day someone somewhere will read a post or two and maybe enjoy it.
So lets see how this goes. HELLO WORLD!!!!
November 11, 2009
I love this painting by Charlie Mackesy. It reminds me of the runner Eric Liddell in the movie Chariots of Fire. Eric feels divinely inspired and believes that when he runs, he glorifies God.
He says, ‘I believe God made me for a purpose but he also made me fast. And when I run, I feel his pleasure.’
How we all long to feel that flow, that exhilaration that comes from doing something you feel divinely called to!
And when I ______, I feel his pleasure. For my life, I don’t yet know the verb that goes in the blank space. Do you?
November 11, 2009
Money is like seawater – the more you drink, the thirstier you become.